Pregnant As F

First of all, this post isn’t food-related. Maybe I’ll give you a recipe at the end if I feel like it, but I’m not making any promises, and if you don’t like my mood already, I suggest you stop reading now and revisit sometime in 2016. Why? Because I’m pregnant and at the point of expanding to where my stomach is stuffed somewhere under my breastbone (google a cross-section of a pregnant woman. THERE IS NO ROOM FOR ANY OF THE STUFF) and everything I eat gives me heartburn and indigestion and is basically beige comfort food anyway, so no one cares what I’m eating.  Also, this is a blog first and foremost about indulgence, and oh man, am I about to be indulgent with my whiny feelings. Because that’s all I got left to do, people: whine and grow a human.

Being pregnant sucks. Those women who “omigod loved it!” exist out there somewhere (we are not friends), but for those I know and, better yet, trust, we’re all on the same page with the sucking. It’s uncomfortable. It makes a good night’s sleep impossible due to the fact that you have a giant medicine ball attached to your front and leaning on your bladder so you go from totally fine to “I will piss the bed IMMEDIATELY” about 6 times a night. A firey heartburn exists in your chest pretty much at all times no matter what you eat, probably because your stomach is so close to your throat you can burp the alphabet for the first time in your life, which also means all of those fancy meals you could wolf down before are a thing of the past—a half a sandwich is lucky if it fits in there now. Your boobs, although significantly larger (this goes for your nipples, too! Great news if you’ve always wanted nipples that looked like silver dollar pancakes!), are also sorer, and come with a nifty expanded upper back and rib cage that makes any bra you spent too much money on a mocking reminder of your previously much more fabulous life. Your ankles are now swollen pork tenderloins, a fine peach fuzz has formed on your cheeks and belly just in case your man is into having sex with baby chickens, and your profile now bears a striking resemblance to Alfred Hitchcock.

All those cute pregnancy books warn you about the fatigue that will make you pass out mid-afternoon with your hand in a box of Triscuits, which is real and debilitating, and my respect goes out to those women who are still expected to show up at their jobs while dealing with that kind of tired (seriously, if you want to go home early and watch The Price is Right and have a cry, I don’t blame you, and if your boss frowns on that sort of behavior, you remind him/her that you’re capable of volatility now and cannot be trusted not to gouge his/her eyes out. If you lose your job because of this suggestion, I’m so sorry. But on the bright side, daytime TV has become even awesomer, just wait, you’re gonna love it!). The books mention the mood swings, too, which turn you into a cuddly emotional World Vision donor and then just as quickly into homicidal maniac if your partner dares to bring home regular chicken breasts when you SPECIFICALLY ASKED FOR ORGANIC BECAUSE YOU ARE GROWING HIS SON, DOES HE NOT UNDERSTAND HOW IMPORTANT ORGANIC IS?? And that brings me to the stress you will have regarding this little human you’re housing who you haven’t even met yet. This little leech who has the nerve to take over your body completely and make demands for pumpkin pie at 10am and kick and prod at your organs like a constant and deliberate reminder that your life of being selfish is totally over, that he will need you now and forever, up until you finally get to check out and hope you did the very best you could as a parent. See? I’m crying again.

Want to know what’s even worse than all of this, these things women have been quietly dealing with for eons just to keep the human race thriving and you are welcome? Being a pregnant actress. Here’s why: reason #1 being that almost no film company’s insurance will cover you should you happen to halt production by going into labor early so there goes any fresh new jobs, and the other being that unless a company’s in a preexisting contract with you they can’t lawyer their way out of, they’re not going to hire the pregnant-looking lady and shoot around your human hot air balloon when there are a slew of perfectly good (not as good as me, though) fetus-less actresses waiting in the wings. So that means right around month 5, the prospect of booking anything is gone until you manage to spit out your baby, heal your broken body, and then somehow swiftly starve your way back into actress shape by pilot season. All of this means pregnant actresses have a lot more time on their hands than those women who get to work while growing huger all the way up until they take maternity leave. (Quick reminder, our maternity leave is not paid, however involuntary it may be.) So we get to sit around jobless and worry we’ll never work again while watching the bodies we worked so hard for become larger and larger while our bank account gets emptier and emptier. Hahaha it’s so weird that I’m frustrated and want to strangle everyone!

Before all you people out there who are actively trying to have babies start poking needles into my action figures, let me just say that I am grateful this little baby found his way into my life regardless of making me live through pregnancy hell. I found out I was pregnant the same week my father passed away, and just before he died, in telling him the good news, I think it reassured him to know his legacy was going to live on, and that I was going to be okay. It gave me a sense of purpose that was greater than my sadness, and I’ll always be thankful for that. Also, that whole notion of loving someone you don’t even know yet is so true it hurts, and when your physical body and all of your life choices suddenly involve this little stranger, it’s pretty easy to feel like a mommy right away. But speaking of sudden, to have the life as you know it and all of the things that seem to make you “you” (acting, shopping, drinking wine, eating big meals, being selfish) yanked out from under you, and a hell of a lot of time on your hands to ponder it all, it can come as quite a shock. So even if you’ve been trying for a baby and finally find yourself pregnant, you are still allowed to complain in my books. Don’t feel guilty. Because it sucks, remember?

And lastly, a quick word about the partners who put up with us: Nothing is more invaluable than a someone who tells you you’re still beautiful even with the extra weight and peach fuzz, who rubs your pork tenderloin feet and takes your shoes off when you just can’t reach, and who doesn’t judge you when you cry for three hours in the bathtub and get out of it only because you can’t hold your pee any longer. My someone is Charlie, who has gone through all of this with me without batting an eye and has stayed calm and reassuring even in my thickest of tantrums. I’m pretty sure it’s burned into his memory the day I was watching a CNN orphan special while eating a fried egg sandwich and I cried so hard I sneezed the contents of my mouth all over my own face and waddle-ran to the bathroom while Charlie just sat there stoically, even though I’m pretty sure he wanted to jump off the balcony. This is a man who will pluck an inch-long white hair that’s decided to hormonally spring up on my neck like he’s positively fascinated, and a man who has breakfast ready for me every morning even though he’s the one working a full-time job while I sit on my ass watching House Hunters. Instead of being weirded out by the pointy shapes jutting out of my midsection from our son’s feet while he practices karate or god knows what else in there, he falls asleep with his hands on my belly so he doesn’t miss anything. He also doesn’t seem to mind too much that I’ve subconsciously decided to start snoring like a foghorn at this stage of gestating, and for that I say, “only a few more weeks left, Charlie!” And I love you.

So bear with me in these coming few weeks with my tweets and my posts, because unfortunately the internet seems like an inviting place to vent and I’ve already established I have nothing else to do. I have been assured this will all be worth it, and I believe that whole-heartedly. I’m just going to need to complain my way to the finish line, okay? Also, I’m going to need a chicken finger sandwich with mayonnaise on white bread in the next 20 minutes, and if any of you decide to lecture me on what I’m choosing to put in my body, think about whether you want to live first. THINK ABOUT IT.


Alright fine, here’s a recipe for chicken fingers.


(and a quick Mac and Cheese because we’re going off the rails here. Join me on the fat side of life!)

Ingredients for Chicken Fingers:

1 ½ lbs boneless skinless chicken breasts

1 cup flour

1 egg

2 cups fine breadcrumbs

a few springs of thyme, leaves trimmed

a few springs of rosemary, leaves trimmed and chopped

a small handful of parsley, chopped

1 garlic clove, peeled and minced

a dash of red pepper flakes

(*if you don’t have access to fresh herbs, who cares? A blend of dried spices works well, too, like herbs de provence which you can find in any grocery store, and also works great on a roasted chicken or turkey)

1/3 cup of regular mustard

1/3 cup of Dijon mustard

2 tbsp honey

salt and pepper

cooking spray or olive oil to coat a baking sheet

Ingredients for the Mac n Cheese:

1 package of macaroni

1 cup of milk

1 cup sour cream (full fat please… as if I have to say that at this point)

1 cup sharp orange cheddar, grated

1 cup sharp white aged cheddar, grated

1 cup of fontina, grated (jack cheese works well here, too, if you want it to be a little zesty. Or parmigiano reggiano if you feel like being fancy. Basically do whatever you want.)

1/3 cup of fine breadcrumbs

2 eggs

some butter, olive oil, or cooking spray to coat a baking sheet


If you’re doing this all at once, good news! The oven goes on at 400F for everything.

Heat a large pot of water over high to boil for the macaroni.

Set up three shallow dishes for breading the chicken. Place the flour in one, breaking up any lumps with a fork. Beat the egg in the second dish with a generous splash of water. And in the third dish, stir together all the herbs, the garlic, the breadcrumbs, red pepper flakes, and a generous seasoning of salt and pepper. Next, trim the chicken breasts into strips/fingers—don’t worry about them looking perfect, as long as they’re roughly the same size so they cook evenly. Set up a baking or cookie sheet and spray with some nonstick spray or coat it with some olive oil so the fingers don’t stick. Dredge the fingers in the flour, shaking off any excess, next coat in the egg, and then in the breadcrumbs mixture until coated evenly and nicely. Place on the baking sheet in an even single layer. These will bake for about 35 minutes, flipping once in between. Don’t overcook them or you’ll end up with chicken finger hockey pucks and start crying.

While the chicken does its thing, make the dipping sauce. Mix both kinds of mustard, the honey, and season with salt and pepper. You’re done.

Cook the macaroni according to package directions. Get a 9×12 casserole dish and grease it nicely with the cooking spray or butter or olive oil. Get a large mixing bowl and mix the cooked macaroni, the milk, sour cream, eggs, and half of each kind of cheese. Pour into the casserole dish and top with the remaining cheese (yes, all of it, don’t be such a buzzkill) and sprinkle the breadcrumbs on top. Bake uncovered for 30 minutes and rest ten minutes before cutting into it. Quick note: if it looks like a lot of liquid in with the pasta before you bake it, don’t worry. I find a wetter macaroni is better because it’ll prevent a dry macaroni and cheese when it finishes baking, which will also make you cry.

THIS SERVES 1 PREGNANT LADY or a family of 4.

72 Comments Add yours

  1. Sarah Barnes says:

    I’m crying laughing over here!!! SOOOOOO refreshing to know some other mom out there had the dam experience as me!! Being pregnant SUCKS!! And you can come whinge with me anytime you want!! Get away, no judgement. <3 Hugs and best of wishes to you, the fabulous Charlie and your new leading man!

    1. Sarah Barnes says:

      *SAME!! stupid phone!! Sorry. >_<

  2. Diane says:

    Whine all you want – you’re growing a HUMAN in there! True, his sitting on your bladder may have you changing panties as many times in a day as you will eventually change his diaper, but hey, consider it practice.

    Not that you need it – practice for motherhood, I mean – it sounds like you are already madly, head over heels in love with your son. Just wait until you can sniff that sweet baby head (I’d say avoid sniffing the other end, but it’s a quick way to check if a change is needed).

    ((hugs)), dear, sweet Jewel. Whine all you want – we’ll listen.

  3. Angie says:

    You have managed, beautifully, to tell the tale of all of us who have been blessed to be 8 months pregnant. As a first time mom at 41 I can tell you that it’s totally, without a doubt, the most breathtaking, reflective, weird process to become a parent. Now almost 9, my boy teaches me something new every day AND occasionally still gives me heartburn. Enjoy each minute love, it truly goes by fast!

  4. Sabrina says:

    Just wait til you accidentally discover triple choco death by chocolate ice cream 6 weeks before your due date, and end up a twitching drooling mess when it sells out while you’re still hormonal and needing the beautiful icy chocolate goodness.

    It’s super fun.

  5. James says:

    Well, as much as I love your foodie posts, and I do, I am very happy for you, congratulations! BTW pregnancy makes a pretty woman that much more beautiful, stay healthy! Blessings to you!


  6. Jeb Hoge says:

    This is one of the best pregnancy posts I’ve ever read. We’ve got three kids, and my wife powered and suffered through hers with the same moxie, just in some different details. You’re awesome and I’m sharing this.

  7. Tim Hendrix says:

    A lovely, heartfelt and totally honest commentary on being pregnant. Sharing with everyone I know.

    Hang in there, dear lady. There are so many wonderful things ahead.

  8. Fernando F says:

    once again, I conclude, after reading your blog, that you don’t write words, you write pictures.
    After reading all your twitters and blogs, I can only imagine the blast that kid is going to have on his life with you. When he squeezes your fingers, he is going to make any problem you might have disappear.
    Charlie seems to be a Class Act of a guy. Probably he is still thinking how lucky he is to have you as his girl.

  9. Amy says:

    The stuff about the BS for pregnant actresses is so true (though equally, it’s just as hard for a pregnant woman to find mundane work too, no matter what the anti discrim laws say). It reminds me of a comment an actor made semi-recently about becoming a parent, stating “and all I had to do was have sex!” So unfair.

  10. Marit Brevik says:

    You have my deepest sympathies!
    I have done my duty to the world population twice and I can safely nod in agreement to all your gripes and groans. (Minus the actress one, but I am a masterstudent and had my youngest two weeks before exams….)
    if you add leaking nipples, that would be me….
    However, the unconditional love from a toddler, running towards you with a flower ripped up from a garden bed in a chubby hand, that is true love.
    I have a 10 year old and a 22 month old.
    There is a certain joy in shaping minds. My 10 year old daughter has become my geek-in-training. She loves Harry Potter, watches Star Wars with me and I am looking foreward to introducing her to Firefly. She loves nerdy stuff because I as her mother has supplied the elements and watched her brain tick over into fandom.
    You have much to look foreward to!

  11. Michele says:

    Damn, girl! My only ongoing complaint about your blogging is that it isn’t frequent enough. Every single time you have me laughing to the point of tears. GREAT writing, sister. Vent away! And hang in there.

  12. Zeon says:

    I thought I was all alone with the hate being pregnant and birth is beautiful thing…it all gross. So whine all you want!

    I can’t relate to the actor part but I can relate to not being able to do my job and assigned to desk job, plus the pleasure of wearing maturity uniforms *cringe*

    Chin up, you are talented, delightful and a beautiful person that has a lot to offer. When it is all said and done, you will have no regrets. 🙂

    Big squishy hugs!!!

  13. Linda says:

    Vent away Sweetie! Vent away! Feed that Baby Belly any thing you please.

  14. Celina says:

    I love this post and I love you, my friend.

  15. Jill says:

    Oh, you have a way with words!

    “they’re not going to hire the pregnant-looking lady and shoot around your human hot air balloon when there are a slew of perfectly good (not as good as me, though) fetus-less actresses waiting in the wings”

    hahahaha I sit here uncomfortable after eating nachos and am so glad I’m not carrying a fetus as well

  16. Eric says:

    I can’t believe I’ve never discovered your blog ’til now! You are hysterically funny and real and I am so jealous of your friends, haha. I hope this adventure of yours goes as smoothly as it can. I wouldn’t even know how to imagine the thoughts you have for the future & for your soon-to-be-baby-Staite, but I hope it’s wonderful for you. Cheers 🙂

  17. Paul says:

    Oh wow, you are perfect! Ha!
    Peace and love to the three of you.
    Brilliant! :)))

  18. Attila Dravecz says:

    Congratulation to You 🙂 You gonna be an awesome mom! 🙂

  19. Elaine says:

    My former tenant is 14 and there are days I swear the hormones are still whacky. My pregnancy was miserable as hell, no matter how much I loved/love my daughter. I wish the internet was a bigger accessible thing back then so I’d known this was normal instead of feeling guilty. Complain away, it’s entertaining AND more importantly you might be reassuring a young single mom with less support that she’s actually okay.
    You’re awesome in your honesty, and growing tiny humans is a mixed thing no matter what the nutballs insist otherwise.

  20. Ron Abbey says:

    @JewelStaite You & pregnant women in general are stronger physically & mentally than me & most, if not all men. We couldn’t get through it! Kudos to you, a Great Mom to be & Charlie a Great Dad to be. Cheers! 🙂

  21. April says:

    I have always adored you as an actress, and our little interactions outside of work are always nice…but I am now totally obsessed with becoming your friend!! You are my perfect match. For real.
    Bravo for your honesty, and bravo for taking the leap into motherhood! Yes things are different on the other side, but they are better in a way I could never describe without a bottle or two of vino. ?

  22. Monica says:

    My first pregnancy I was that annoying woman who loved it. My second pregnancy I decidedly WAS NOT and I was irrationally angry with past me for months. If I could have gone back in time and bitch slapped myself, I would have. Being pregnant is weird and uncomfortable and all sorts of things. Vent all you like. Do what feels right for you. And when it’s all over and there are three of you? Try to set aside a little time to be selfish and a little time for you and your man. All three of you will be the better for it.

  23. Grace says:

    I love this post. It reminds of where I was just over a year ago. Crying while watching tv or reading anything at the drop of a hat…rolling out of bed multiple times in the middle of the night. Watching my little man grow and hearing him laugh…definitely more worth it than words could ever express! Hang in there!

  24. Kim Niles says:

    Yes you have absolutely every right to complain – every pregnant woman does! I remember having to avoid even ketchup in my 3rd trimester because anything with even a hint of vinegar caused more heartburn. My 1st pregnancy was a boy – it wasn’t easy but was the the easier of the 2. My 2nd was a girl and by my 3rd trimester I was physically miserable. Everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) felt swollen to the max – If you remember those old rubber dolls where you squeezed the body and the eyes and nose would push out from the head (a 70s toy like this: ) … Well THAT is how I felt for the last 2 months of my 2nd/last pregnancy. I’ll never forget sitting in the living room on the eve of my due date, quietly crying because I finally had to admit she was NOT coming that day. Thankfully, she was born 2-days later and apart from my getting stuck in the elevator by myself when arriving at the hospital, all went well.
    The truly magical thing about Motherhood – is that a mother’s heart is limitless – The love you feel for him today already feels huge but it’s going to quadruple the minute you see, hear,smell, and touch him. And it will continue to expand as he grows. It’s so cliche, but it really is so true that though it will feel like it’s taking forever – your weeks/months/years with him … But when he’s packed his bags to move out on his own, you’ll love him even more and not him – but each version of him in your memory – The infant him, the 3 year old him, the 5 year old and the 10 year old, and all the way up to the man he will have become – all at the same time, filling your heart until it’s so full, it feels as if it will burst.
    You’ll also enjoy time with the adult-him while simultaneously missing the toddler him that you used to be able to hold on your lap. And just when you think you couldn’t possibly love him any more … He’ll give you grandchildren – Little persons all their own that provide you glimpses here and there of his younger self, and watching him being a Daddy … well your heart fills with joy and pride (and sympathetic laughter), and expands yet again. These are the things that will slowly replace the sucky pregnancy memories. 🙂

  25. Colleen says:

    Loved you whining. I just wish there had been an internet to vent to when I was in your state. Have been there, done that so vent to your hearts desire.

  26. Wendi says:

    Absolutely brilliant! Every woman needs a Charlie, pregnant or not!!

  27. Dale says:

    First off, congratulations on the baby. Because I’m a sucky fan, I somehow missed this news, so sorry for the belated well wishes (I’ll blame it on watching my copy of Firefly/Serenity and re-runs of SG:Atlantis). Secondly, I’m pretty sure pregnancy (and follow-up 3am breastfeadings) are a hall-pass for whinging now and again, and Charlie sounds like an awesome partner to have a kid with. Lastly, whatever the future holds for you, you’ll do it well and in the mean time you can regale us with recipes and restaurant reviews (and which ones are kid friendly or not), but I”m pretty sure that we’ll see you up on our screens again as soon as you’re ready. Best wishes on your baby’s impending arrival!

  28. duritz says:

    I feel your pain! I hated being pregnant. I had morning sickness every day. Every. Day. All day. I once nearly passed out in the produce section of the grocery store and just stayed there on all fours crying for 10 minutes while the 15 year old worker just stared at me uncomfortably because the boss was at lunch and he had no idea what to do. Fun times.

    The strange thing is in a few years time, you will forget all the swollen ankles, sore boobs and sleepless nights. Until then, vent away!


  29. Jo Smith says:

    God I LOVE this!!! Not just because it reminds me of everything I went through with my son (although after the horrible first trimester of being nauseated every second on my life to the point I couldn’t be vertical, it wasn’t that bad).

    I loved walking around with hand on my huge stomach, because like your husband I was fascinated (although horrified at the situation because my ex-husband started looking for another woman when he found out I was pregnant so I kicked him out when I found out he was cheating) with this little thing growing inside me. I worked in an office, so I didn’t have all the problems you do with work and I worked a full day, then went into labor that night. I hauled a 50 pound electric breast pump into my Fortune 500 corporation every day so I could express milk during my lunch hour after I had to go back to work. I cried every morning I had to leave for work and leave my baby with a sitter for a week and every night after my little one was asleep for not choosing a better father for him (his father never wanted anything to do with him to this day and my son is 28).

    I’m sure you’ll be crying when you see how much your husband loves and adores your new little one. When I see pictures of Stephen Amell and his daughter it makes me so happy to see there are some great dads out there in the world!

    Thanks for being real about everything you are going through. It may seem like whining to you, but with every word every mother who went through the process of carrying a child (and the 18 hours of back labor because the baby refused to station – the doctor literally had to cut me open and yank him out – LOL!) is reliving the beautiful memories of years ago when their child came into the world and changed their lives forever. 🙂

  30. Jennifer says:

    Jewel, you are awesome, hilarious, clever, strong and yes, beautiful. If I was near you I would rub your back and shoulders as long as you wanted and listen to you vent if it made you (and Saint Charlie) happy. I’m so sorry about your daddy; I’d always been in admiring awe when I heard of your large family and how close you were in heart and house to them. You’re continuing an awesome legacy and I’m glad, because we need more jewels like you and yours in the world.

    Much love, Jennifer

  31. ChelleG says:

    My wee sprog is now 24 and a full foot taller than I am, but I still remember loathing every single second of being pregnant. Whenever I meet other pregnant women who are miserable and assure them that I, too, hated it, they are SO GRATEFUL just to have someone acknowledge that the entire process is not, in fact, a shiny happy glowy sunshine-and-roses time for every one and that you are not a complete monster to admit it.

    On a purely anecdotal level, most women I know who hated being pregnant seemed to pretty much breeze through labor and delivery, so there that. Then again, maybe it just feels that way because you’re so glad to have it over.

  32. Antje says:

    Dear Jewel, i loved to read this. Thanks for being so honest and that you told a lot of private things. Don’t give up! Winter is coming! 😉
    Wish you all the best and hope to read more here.

  33. Devin says:

    Beautifully worded. I’m tearing up remembering being pregnant. Thank you for your candor and your heart.

    Love to your family and Mazel Tov in advance! 😀

  34. Amanda E says:

    I’m due a few days before you and totally and completely relate to every word of this post. I am/was one of those who tried desperately to get pregnant but/and still think pregnancy sucks. I’m so thankful that the last round of treatment worked but omgoodness people who think “pregnancy is wonderful” and “loved being pregnant” are obviously on some type of medication that my doctor won’t give me. At least in the home stretch!

  35. Famini says:

    Didn’t think it was possible to think you were even more awesome than before, but you’ve done that too! And despite feeling so miserable you STILL gave us two great recipes? How awesome are you?

    From everything you’ve blogged/tweeted, it sure does seem like you and Charlie are going to be AMAZING parents. The little person taking over your insides is one lucky human being. Good luck with the remaining 9 weeks! I’m told that the moment you hold your newborn in your arms makes up for all the previous months of misery.

  36. John Welch says:

    That was F***king hilarious!

    The pregnant running stream of consciousness was priceless…..And sooooooo true…keep having fun with it.

  37. Congratulations! I’ve not yet had the “pleasure” of being pregnant, but I don’t look forward to it; this I know. Thanks for the snack recipes. My food baby loves comfort food.

  38. Monica says:

    Goodness, yes. I felt the same way while pregnant, and I’m sure I can’t fully understand the extra stress of a changing body when your marketability is based, partially, on your appearance.

    Hang in there! And vent all you like!

  39. Ivy says:

    Gripe away. 🙂 While I can’t say pregnancy was horrible for me, I also cannot say it was the greatest thing ever. I never had morning sickness, but that last trimester was very sleepless and I tried never to be more than a few steps from the bathroom with all that added weight and kicking on the bladder. I found the first month after childbirth to be hell on my body. Recovering from delivery, learning to breastfeed while the little one learned to suckle and me leaking milk all over the place, with even more sleepless nights. Once everyone got settled into a new routine it got better… until my darling little one decided that she needed no more naps at the age of 18 months.

    It definitely is an adventure. While there are plenty of things to gripe about, remember to enjoy the perks, too… the first smile, baby laughter, the wonder of tiny fingers and toes.

  40. Jessica says:

    Amen, hallelujah, and preach. Fourteen weeks left here and soooo annoyed yet in love.

  41. Tiffany says:

    Congratulations! Making tiny humans is not easy.

    Protip: You can eat an box of chocolate truffles while you’re nursing without heartburn. And if someone makes a snotty comment about it, you can legally punch them in the face.

  42. Warren says:

    Pregnancy certainly hasn’t repressed the clever and witty. Thanks for another great essay.

  43. James says:

    You are the best! My sister in law and one of my best friends are both pregnant too and the make it sound like heaven, though I suspect they are just putting on a show for moral support. I am glad you are still telling it like it is! All the best and thanks for throwing in the recipe, you treat us right. HAPPY OPU!

  44. Donovan says:

    About two years ago in Halifax you spent some time with my duaghter (6 months at the time), wife and I during Hal-Con’s stargazer’s ball. Trust me when I say your fiance appreciates the shit out of all the awful things you’re going through for the both of you. He will happily massage the pork loin’s and go get you whatever you’re craving (maybe that last part is also for the brief reprieve).

    The next year’s going to be a crazy rollercoaster ride of getting EVEN BIGGER, and then having your genetals explode (sorry about that) and finally getting to meet your little one for the first time. That last part is pretty amazing, so is just about everything you’ll see this kid do from now until… some time? I haven’t hit the end of the awe yet.

    Hang in there JBS, you’re going to have a great time of it. Can’t wait for a good rant about all the eating/pooping/not sleeping your newborn does when that happens. Probably the most absurd part of parenthood is that first four months or so.

  45. Heather says:

    I have to say I totally agree with you all the way. My kids are now 6 and 4 and I was miserable durning both pregnancies. I was sick the entire time and working full time in an Emergency room on my feet for 8 plus hours a day. And while it totally sucked both times and almost sucked the life out of me. (Not totally kidding) I wouldn’t have given it back for the world. Once your little man gets here these past nine months will be a distant memory. Of course now you have to deal with midnight feedings and a screaming baby half the night. In the end watching him grow into a little person is the best thing anyone can do. By all means it’s okay to complain sometimes we all just need to vent it out. Good luck.

  46. Peregrine John says:

    As usual, Jewel is full of Win. And baby, yes. It’s good to hear from you again at last (some day I’ll move to the 21st century and do that Twitter thing), and even if it’s whining, you’re damned funny with it. Reminds us why we fell for you in the first place.

    Here’s hoping the rest of the gestation goes quickly and easily. The noisy, time-taking, expensive, confusing little poop generators are completely marvelous, and make up for their nuisance in impossible ways. You’re gonna love it. And you’ll get to have wine again.

  47. Viktorja says:

    Congrats on the new baby-to-be 🙂
    I am SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!! It warms my heart to know that there are people telling it like it is about pregnancy. I’m sick of hearing about that “glow”…No, that “glow” is heart burn. Or the “you’ll feel so beautiful”… no, you will feel like a blimp…a blimp with a bowling ball in it.
    Also I love your recipes. “Feeds 1 pregnant lady or a family of 4”. 🙂
    Congrats again!

  48. Squeakymom says:

    You are so right on every point! I hated being pregnant (twice) and though I love my boys, once in a while I miss those selfish childless days. But now I find there are times I can have a few selfish moments (shopping therapy is great). You have remained beautiful no matter how you feel. I unfortunately am short and went from size 4 pants to 14 and have now landed somewhere between 8 and 10 since having my second son 7 yrs ago! But remember you have loving fans who anxiously wait to see you working again soon. We are keeping an eye on you. Now go to and look up Andrew Peterson’s song Be Kind to Yourself and enjoy some ice cream! 🙂

  49. Kira says:

    You are my spirit animal. Never change(pregnancy doesn’t count).

  50. Mikel King says:

    Might have to give the chicken a go.

    Have to hop the train back out to #NYCC… Hope you’re holding up well Look’s like you have a grueling schedule…

  51. Eileen says:

    I just saw you at NYCC and you just as beautiful as ever! I was surprised you are still doing events this far along but was grateful to get the chance to meet you. Hope you enjoy the baby blanket.

  52. Alana Dill says:

    You are hilarious and you’re right, pregnancy can be just miserable, especially the everything.

    Nap while you can. Whine if you need to. You are loved and you’re going to be a spectacular mom, because you don’t take yourself too seriously.

  53. Nicole says:

    Congratulations! Having been through the pregnancy thing twice, I completely agree. However, you missed a couple areas of whining. Complete strangers touching your stomach without asking and then giving you their pregnancy delivery horror stories without you asking. It is all worth it though. Try to enjoy the last couple months of your pregnancy. And take a nap whenever you feel like it. You’re growing a new human life. Taking a nap is also required once you’ve given birth. You’ll hear the saying, “You sleep when the baby sleeps.” Truer words have never been spoken. It’s the only way to survive with an infant. Good Luck!

  54. Mike Murphy says:

    Missed you!

  55. Michael says:

    This was great! I hear these comments all the time from my wife (currently pregnant with our second child). It was great to hear someone else comment on how much it sucks. I can’t even begin to imaging what she, or you, or any other pregnant woman, are going through. I just know it sucks.

    The only thing that’s worse is her having HG (Hypermesis Gravidarum – sp?). I know she can’t wait for the little one to come out.

  56. Kerim says:

    Many blessings for you and Charlie and the new foodie in gestation. LOL

  57. Jen says:

    This is all great, but I admit that I’m a little miffed – at this point in MY pregnancy, my ass stuck out just as far as my belly and the movement of my thighs registered on the Richter scale. Instead of being jealous, I’ll just suck down these chicken fingers and try not to hold your cute ass against you. Wait a minute, that didn’t come out right …. oh, never mind. It’s chicken finger time.

  58. CatieP says:

    You are amazing and hilarious – and I’m glad Charlie is taking good care of you.

  59. Catrin says:

    This is the best article I read about pregnancy.Thank you

  60. Dan says:

    Jewel, congratulations on your pregnancy, please let me give you the man’s perspective (or at least my perspective). My daughter is turning 1 in just a few short days, and I am love totally over the moon for her, however I miss all the changes my wife went through. I have a beautiful wife who became so much more radiant during pregnancy. She was placed on bedrest during the entire pregnancy and even though it laid a ton of work on me I wouldn’t trade that time for anything. I loved her expanding belly (and butt), her body became an world wonder to me, I couldn’t stop looking, And her face, she claimed to be swollen, became radiant. I would love to watch her do this a dozen more times. (I just don’t want 13 kids, kids are God’s evil little joke) Enjoy daytime TV, and chicken finger sandwiches, and try to remember he is enjoying all of this, even the weird stuff.

  61. Becky Norris says:

    Hang in there, girl! I’m due within just a few days of you, and I feel your pain through every backache, false contraction, and ninja-style baby kick. All the waiting sucks when you feel like the Goodyear blimp and want to punch anyone who coos over how cute your pregnant belly looks. We’re a measly two weeks away from a lifetime with our babies, so I vote we Netflix and chill pregnancy-style: Feet up on the couch, with a plate of cookies and the remote control in hand.

  62. Lacie says:

    I had to chuckle throughout your post because I’ve been there with my first son and am 33 weeks (today! woot woot!) with my second son. I particularly liked your comment about the body fuzz in case your man is into sex with baby chickens. Too funny and sadly too true. God, the body hair is horrid. I’m so ready for my body back! To see my feet again! To eat a full meal! To have normal sized nipples! Maybe we can toast the return of our internal organs to their normal positions with a glass of wine together in a couple of months. Or a pina colada. With fresh pineapple. I’ve been craving one of those for a while.

  63. Kim says:

    I came across this blog from another Facebook post and just had to post a reply! I completely understand what you are going through as I spent the better part of my last trimester yelling at my son for kicking the living hell out of my body. I was SO big that everyone kept asking if I was having twins, which only added additional rage to my already daily mood swings (although, daily doses of cookies and cream ice cream fixed some of that!).

    Thank you for having an honest view of your pregnancy and sharing that with us. I was SURE that I was the only one who was annoyed by all the baby kicking, unsolicited advice and TOUCHING by others!

    You still look fantastic and I hope everything goes smoothly when your little dude finally decides to make an appearance!

  64. Kimberly says:

    you are hysterical… sorry, I was one of those that loved pregnancy (and labor!), but I think you might want be friends with me even so. your insights into how easy it is to love something you’ve never met almost made me cry… I have a 20 month old, and sometimes you look at your kiddo and remember “holy shit, I birthed that thing… and I haven’t killed it yet.” just keep that in mind when they’re not sleeping at night…. and your belly in that photo is gorgeous! all the discomfort and whatnot is worth it. even the labor discomfort. you forget as soon as you look at the baby. husbands are saints when their wives are preggo!

  65. Jessica says:

    You look beautiful! Hopefully your little Brown Coat comes soon! (But not to soon!)

  66. Emma says:

    Haha! The snoring! The only time in my life (I admit to) that I have snored is when I was pregnant with my two kids. I would snore so loud that I would wake myself up and then wonder what had woken me up, sit there is the dark listening for the noise and then start to drift off to sleep again, only to wake myself up again with the noise.

  67. Elle Casey says:

    I totally feel you, dog!! (you’re not a dog! you’re a gorgeous, baby-making facility!) I’ve had 6 kids, one a set of triplets (for a cousin), so I get it. Once you hold that baby in your arms, your memory of these things will fade, and if you just remember not to go back and read this blog post, you might even get in the mood to have another. They’re that awesome. 🙂

  68. Trudy says:

    I love you more for this… As I read it, my hubby and I are contemplating pregnancy. And by contemplating, I mean that we have moved past the “let nature take its course” stage into the “shit or get off the pot” stage as my OB put it…

    I will be printing for my hubby to read… He needs to KNOW what he’s getting into. 🙂 I know it is going to be tough and stressful and crazy, but somehow, this post makes it ok for me. You are absolutely fabulous and as I write this, you are enjoying baby time… be happy, be healthy, be blessed!

  69. jon says:

    I understand that congratulations are in order
    Really do hope things are going swimmingly for you
    ? timee for an update

  70. Christopher/Valaincort says:

    I didn’t read all the comments but I’m sure you hear all the time what a WONDERFUL writer you are. Let me join in the chorus. I SO enjoyed this post. You have one of the most “all-encompassing” (not sure what that means, but it sounds good) points of view I’ve ever read: funny, snarky, poignant, witty, empathetic, critical, joyful, sentimental, philosophical, etc. I’m rambling. You don’t. God bless you and the boys.

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