Haters Gonna Hate

So, look…   I’m the first to admit that social media most definitely has its blessings.  I know I’m not the only one lying in bed at night watching some dumb Tiktok video and whisper-laughing so hard I’m crying next to my sleeping partner who has to deal with this lunacy every. single. night.  I also know I’m not the only one expressing their feelings via meme in a DM instead of actually calling someone, because phones are clearly only for texting and social media-scrolling, no calls ALLOWED and if it rings I will throw it into the sea.  There are so many things I love about social media, the opportunities for connection, the endless well of new things to learn, the joy to be had by watching a video that makes you laugh every time you see it.  I can’t not defend it and I can’t imagine quitting it.  It’s like crack, if crack taught you how to perfectly roast a chicken and turned you on to the best face cream known to humankind.

But there’s obviously this other side of it, the ugly side.  The one behind the wall of anonymity where those who wish to do so push send on hateful comments just because and judge people with such commitment and fervour it’s practically an Olympic sport.  It’s human nature at its finest, really, this unleashing of the worst sort of insecurities projected onto someone else whose only crime is oversharing, or just being available.  There’s also this very odd thing I’ve never truly understood where if you’re remotely in the public eye or have willingly signed yourself up to appear on camera for a living, you should automatically be totally okay and also willing to take whatever criticism or flack comes your way from a perfect stranger.  “It comes with the territory.”  “It’s the price you pay for success.”  “You put yourself out there, it’s my right to judge you.”  As if that ever occurred to any of us who chose a creative field of work. Sign here on this dotted line to be picked apart and ridiculed for sport!  Plus lots of rejection on a pretty much daily basis but hey the parties are fun!

And I supposed it IS a person’s right to judge. There’s no one who can really stop you from doing so.  It’s unequivocally up to us as human beings to police our own actions and be responsible for our own words. Maybe it’s the freedom in that, the “right” to say whatever we want to say that’s so satisfying for these people, the lawlessness of it, even if you run the risk of being flagged if you’ve gone too far.  But the length in which you have to go in order for that to actually happen is significant.  “You’re ugly” or “you’ve aged too much” or “you used to be hotter and now you look like an old shoe that’s had bad botox” certainly won’t get you banned, even though in my opinion it damn well should.

Ever since I became social media-accessible, I’ve had my fair share of weekly (sometimes daily) trolls, people tearing me down in all sorts of ways, for being “responsible” for their favourite shows being canceled (newsflash: all shows get canceled eventually, babe), for looking a certain way (too old! too young!  too trashy!  not sexy enough!), sounding a certain way (dumb/too proud/too shallow, or just having a man voice).  I came to the realization early on that you can’t be accessible without being able to take the flack, no matter what you say.  To use a real example, I can post about loving my cats and someone will honest-to-god inevitably say, “You don’t like dogs?  Unfollowed!” as if they’re a Boeing 747 and need to announce their departure.  I once posted a vacation pic with my husband, sans child, and had a man say that I don’t deserve to have children if I think it’s okay to leave them at home while I frolic on a beach.  And then had a woman comment, on the same post, that my bathing suit was too sexy for a mother to wear.  I thought about informing her how my baby was actually conceived by *cough* having sex, but I apparently was in possession of some self-restraint that one measly time, lucky for you, Mildred.

I have friends who are much more well-known than me with millions of followers, and thus have it way worse, because the scale stays the same as the fame grows: the percentage of true fans of your work vs the haters.  And the haters feed off each other.  It becomes.. gleeful, the picking at someone and tearing them down in any way you can, like a descending mob hell-bent on the destruction of someone, just… because they can?  These friends of mine don’t even bother to read the comments anymore though because there are just too many, or they’re rich enough to hire someone to monitor their socials for them.  But the sheer number of the trolls… It really makes you realize just how many unhappy people are living on this planet, and it’s sad and a little scary and a lot unsettling.  It’s almost enough to make you quit social media.  Except look at these cute little dancing dogs and this tiktok montage of news bloopers!  Goddamn, I love a news blooper!

I will say, though, that there are always at least ten lovely comments to the one shitty “you suck”.  And I know that in terms of my audience, I’m super lucky. For the most part, the people engaging with me are kind and supportive and hilarious.  And my skin is thick like a rhino at this point. (Like, figuratively, not literally, because I’m not kidding about that insane face moisturizer).  I can take it, otherwise I wouldn’t be posting.  But sometimes I fantasize about a world where people don’t project their shit on other people, where mental healthcare is more easily acceptable, where therapy isn’t viewed as embarrassing, where maybe– just maybe– people learn to hesitate and think before they hit send.  I’m always harping on my kid on how the coolest thing to be is kind, because I’m hoping (probably naively) that maybe that’ll become a trend one day.  To be the nicest.  Maybe then the small minority of unhappy trolls will become even smaller, minuscule, like the little silver in your palm the tweezers can’t quite catch but who cares because eventually it’ll disintegrate anyway.

Wouldn’t that be something?

Until then, as always, I am going to continue loving myself more while I smack that block button like the daily multivitamin it is until I’m rich enough to have someone else do it for me. Because we don’t take hate currency over here, honey.  Hate’s bad for your skin.  Everybody knows that.

 

xJ

 

 

PS in concert with this post, I’m including some good for you brain food in the way of the best kale salad I’ve ever had, my sister-in-law’s brain child and a recipe everyone must have in their repertoire.  Feed your brain.  Love each other.  Love yourself. xo

 

The BEST Kale Salad

My sister-in-law's kale salad recipe, simply the best one I've ever had. Taking the time to massage the kale is key. It helps foster a loving relationship between you and the kale. I'm kidding. It softens the leaves so you're not eating tough-as-hell kale, and makes ALL the difference in a perfect salad.
3.50 from 2 votes
Course Salad, Side Dish
Servings 4

Ingredients
  

  • 1 large bunch of kale
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil
  • 2 tbsp apple cider vinegar
  • 1 tbsp dijon
  • 1 tbsp maple syrup
  • 1 small red onion thinly sliced
  • 6 oz goat cheese
  • 1/3 cup dried cranberries

Instructions
 

  • Gently massage the kale with the salt for a few minutes. Think Swedish, not deep tissue.
  • Mix the dressing. In a small bowl, add the apple cider vinegar, dijon, and maple syrup, then slowly drizzle in the olive oil.
  • Season the sliced onions with a pinch of salt, then sink them into the vinaigrette. Let them sit in there for 15-20 minutes to take the bitterness out of them and pickle them oh-so-nicely.
  • Using your hands, crumble the goat cheese into the kale, then add the cranberries. Toss the salad with the dressing and onions. Best kale salad ever. EVER, I SAID.

25 Comments Add yours

  1. Angie Thomas says:

    Your posts, tweets, and almost everything never fail to make me smile or laugh. I too wish that there weren’t trolls. But alas that will never be. I also live life naively sometimes. 😉 Be happy with the amazing woman that you are. You do you, Boo (as my husband always tells me). And keep raising that young man with kindness. I’m sure it will make him a kinder person & although it won’t change everyone, it’ll make a small slice of the world a nicer place to live. Cats are also awesome. I don’t have dogs but they’re cute too. You inspire me to be real & kind & love myself, even when it’s not easy. ❤️ Stay shiny!

  2. Rachel says:

    Oh my god- I love your writing voice, the post notifications are gems in my email. Thank you for continuing to share here and on your other socials. Block and block all day, tolls don’t deserve any energy.

    Thanks for the kale salad. Now I’ll finally have something to do with the mountains of homegrown stuff I plant usually forget about.

  3. John says:

    Thanks Jewel. It’s always so refreshing to read your posts, as they always apply to the majority of us, the work struggles, family, raising kids, and the slight pitfalls of social media! “The haters are gonna hate…….”, regardless of the reasons behind why they have to make a comment at all.

  4. John says:

    Love it, will experiment it on the family this weekend!

  5. Rob says:

    As usual the recipe looks delicious, even though I’m not usually a fan of kale.

    As for the rest of it, some of us might not be giving you positive comments often enough. I try to keep it to a minimum, mostly because I can go overboard with the length of my comments.

    Anyway, in my very humble opinion, you’re a talented person who’s aging much better than most of us. You have a beautiful family (child, husband, and pets), you’re very hard working, and you’re a joy to watch in your various roles.

  6. Paul says:

    As a wise somebody once said ” getting offended by something posted on the internet is like choosing to step in dog shit instead of walking around it”. Imagine what those haters/trollers shoes must look like 🙂 !!! Keep up the good work/posts/recipes…. I’ll have to leave the dijon out…allergies suck almost as much as trolls -) !!!

  7. Darleene says:

    3 stars
    I hate kale. You suck!

    Just kidding. I don’t have a feeling either way about kale. You, on the other hand, remind me of one of my favorite shows ever, and it is something I return to when I am having a tough day, and the world is backwards, and I need to see things turn out right despite ridiculous circumstances. I also love how you guys behind the show remain friends, and that also bolsters my faith in humanity.

    Don’t feed the trolls, don’t read the comments.

  8. James says:

    4 stars
    It is really sad that the first instinct people have these days is to be unkind because you aren’t catering to them.

    You are amazing and it’s been wonderful pseudo sharing the experiences of your life through the beast that is social media.

    Also, love your recipes. I’ve been learning tandoori chicken and red lentil dal recently just to mix up my dinner routine, if you’ve got any tips or tricks, I hope you share.

  9. R says:

    A couple of years ago, my children and I escaped an abusive situation and were staying in a battered women’s shelter. Some of the staff noticed me watching Firefly, and chipped in to buy me a Cameo from you. It was a light in one of the darkest times of my life, and I still have it on my phone and watch it when I’m struggling.

    You have impacted so many people in a positive way. Please keep that in mind when people are being awful.

  10. Nannig says:

    I think the anonymous component is a misconception : most people posting hate comment are doing so with their real name, and no one is anonymous on a social media even behind a pseudo. It’s more about the distance : they wouldn’t say it to your face but they feel confident behind their screen far away.
    That being said it doesn’t change the problem ! I wish most plateforms would allow you to invisible trolls : blocking them make the either happy or furious but they will do it again anyway ; making their comments invisible to you and the others would make them wonder why no one’s reacting and hopefully change their behaviour (I’m a believer 😀 )

  11. Nadia Karraz says:

    I love your work on tv and movies and love your IG! You are so funny, stunning and interesting! I love how you share a bit of your private life and the cats are just too cute.

    Greetings from Antwerp Belgium

  12. Anonymous says:

    “… because phones are clearly only for texting and social media-scrolling, no calls ALLOWED and if it rings I will throw it into the sea…”
    😀 Absolute!

  13. Mike Sackmary says:

    You are one of the intelligent, thoughtful and fun voices on the web. Never stop posting. And you look shiny, as always. See ya around the ‘verse

  14. John Wright says:

    The world certainly could use more polite people. {smile}

    It would be nice if you were on MeWe (which makes it easy to see only what you want to see and block the morons when they show up).

  15. Jon Bradley says:

    Love you, Jewel. You’re awesome and always have enjoyed your sense of humor.

    Something that I tweeted once and have pinned on my account:
    “Anonymity of the internet makes people very brave.”

    Couple it with this nugget from Dr. Drew Pinsky:
    “How you choose to react to something is about you and not what you are reacting to.”

  16. Anton says:

    It may help to remember that most people just view news/blogs/shows or whatever and forever stay silent . It´s only a very small group of people who makes it into any comments section. The percentage of negativity in the comments is naturally higher than one would assume when reading through comments. I managed to fully avoid social media, lucky me, and have to face that kind of negativity mostly in gaming. Like, some people actually wish me death from time to time after they have lost against me. I mean…I always think to myself…”dude…we are sharing the S A M E hobby…”. Very rarely, I actually decided to create a thread about it. To my astonishment, the majority of posters then sided with the haters. Like what?! Even when I told them you should not make fun of grave illnesses, I got replies, saying I have to grow a thicker skin. These trolls – also from your examples – are ridiculous. It is also just plain wrong to accuse you, Jewel, of any cancelation. I believe I know the show you are alluding to – and I can only strongly oppose such accusation. In the few shows I saw you acting, you were truly great. You may feel hugged (>ö)><(´-´<)

  17. joanna says:

    The first time you posted that Kale Salad recipe was the first time I read this blog! A million years ago! You’re the best and I’m glad you have such thick skin to repel those troll bogeys! Can’t wait for your eventual cookbook 🙂

  18. Jonathan says:

    The platforms are not the problem but the people are and when you are attacked by people remember that they’re taking 5 or 10 seconds out of their life to bring you down.

    I learned this perspective from Gary Vee, who says to deploy empathy because they’re the ones hurting.

    How bad is their life to leave such comments.

    Anyways thanks for doing what you do.

    You’re the best!

  19. John says:

    I have always believed that the way one treats others is a reflection of how you feel about yourself – in other words the trolls really don’t like themselves

    Greetings from Edenvale, South Africa

  20. Bill says:

    I have to agree with Nanning. Ignoring a troll is better than acknowledging that they made you react in some way. Like a fart in a tornado, they should just disappear.

    FYI: Keep it up with your little guy. I can tell you that it will pay off when they make it to adulthood. My son is wonderfully polite and kind and that came from a lifelong choice between my wife and I to show kindness to everything (we say “excuse me to the cats and the dog”)

  21. Roy Varley says:

    Had this Kale salad with cold, cooked prawns. Lovely. I had some tartare ready for the prawns, just in case, but didn’t touch it. Salad and prawns were a great combo. I liked the little explosions of cranberry as I chomped along. Definitely a keeper. Thanks Jewel!

    I won’t bother commenting on the haters. I think you’re wonderful.

  22. Patrick says:

    Thank you Jewel for sharing your perspectives and the recipe too. I have noticed trolls too, they sometimes attack over the most inane things or strangest of subjects.

  23. Roy Varley says:

    Suggestion: If you place all the dressing ingredients in a small glass jar with a lid that seals (I use a 200ml jar that used to have Master Foods Tartare Sauce in it). So that’s cider vinegar, dijon, maple syrup and olive oil. Put the lid on and shake like heck. You can put that in the fridge for later. Or as I just did, use a 1/4 of the remaining ingredients later on to make a single serve of the salad. Rather than making a whole batch and using it over a couple of days…

  24. Tony says:

    Hey Jewel,
    Thanks for the blog, it’s really amusing! You’ve even got me thinking about cooking properly. 😉 I totally get you about the boom and bust of acting for a living. Acting’s really tough! (Music is much simpler). Can you recommend any good books on acting technique? How’s about you give us a few insights into acting in your future posts? Along with maybe how to make the perfect toasted sandwich, without setting fire to it…must be possible…. 🙂

  25. C says:

    Wait, so what is the best face cream known to humankind?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Recipe Rating