Reverse Psychology

Welp.. not much has changed around here. Meaning I’m still pregnant. Extremely, actually. 40 weeks to be exact. All of my complaining and whining and making deals with the universe to become a better person has not resulted in the delivery of my baby, and here I sit still gestating my giant son. Before you give me a list of your own at-home remedies for inducing labor, just know I have tried them all. The spicy food, the foot reflexology (hey spas: all that bullshit you tout about foot massages being bad for pregnant ladies is just cruel hearsay and if anything, we should be getting foot massages for FREE. I don’t care if this is wrong/dangerous, figure out a way to massage our feet, it’s 2015), eating so much pineapple my mouth is physically sore, evening primrose oil down and even up the hatch (don’t ask for elaboration), raspberry tea, and yes, good ol’ hair of the dog in the way of having sex. And let me tell you: NONE of it works. The baby will come when he wants. Or when my body kicks him out, which knowing my luck will be about two weeks late and right around the corner from Christmas when I have people to see and presents to open.

So know what? I’m going to try something new. I’m going to embrace this whole pregnancy thing and act like it’s just the best. I’m going to beam at the well-meaning idiots who tell me I’m glowing, laugh and laugh when I’m asked if I’m sure “there’s only one in there”, offer a thumbs up when someone says, “whoa lady, you’re about to pop!” instead of an elbow into the solar plexus and basically just enjoy the hell out of myself in all my planet-sized glory. Because maybe then my rebel son (he is mine, after all) will decide enough is enough since I’m clearly having the time of my life, and finally take his sweet fucking leave.

So here is the new me! I’m spending my days enjoying mid-afternoon naps since everyone tells me to catch up on my sleep now and we all know that our bodies have a sleep-storage compartment we can refer back to when we’re lacking in sleep later. I’m getting massages and acupuncture and facials and just pissing money down the drain because hey, why not? It’s not like kids cost anything! I’m reading people’s memoirs who all have crazy-exciting un-pregnant lives and watching some great TV like The Affair where a guy leaves his wife and family of four for a pretty waitress. I’m having long lunches with friends where I order things like grilled cheese sandwiches with extra cheese and chocolate waffles because I figure my time is limited on treating my body like a garbage can if I ever want to do another acting job again, so why not eat my way through the city and have a pizza appetizer before the Chinese food delivery gets here? I’m just so happy being pregnant, I could do this for forever, and good thing too, because it looks like I will never have this baby! Today I might get my nails done and paint them pink just to spite my selfish son, because get it? He’s never coming! ย Hahahaha I love this!

I’m also cooking like a psycho, for my pleasure and also yours, so here’s a lovely penne using seasonal chanterelle mushrooms, which are a delicious and much less cruel gift from nature than 18 months of pregnancy. This penne is so easy, you can probably do it while crying and eating a Snickers, and your company will still be super impressed. Feel free to sub different kinds of mushrooms once chanterelles are hard to find again, because let’s face it: cooking any kind of mushroom in a boatload of butter and salt is going to taste divine.

Chicken Penne with Chanterelles

Ingredients:

1 box or bag of penne

1 lb boneless skinless chicken breasts or thighs, cut into bite sized chunks

2 cups chopped chanterelle mushrooms

1 cup cremini mushrooms, sliced thick

1 onion, diced

2 garlic cloves, minced

2 cups spinach

1 cup chicken stock

1/2 cup grana padano or parmigiano reggiano cheese, freshly grated

2 tbsp unsalted butter

extra virgin olive oil for sautรฉing

truffle oil for drizzling if you like that sort of thing. If you don’t, you’re a weirdo.

salt and pepper

Directions:

Put a pot of water on to boil for the pasta. Cook it according to package directions. Reserve a little bit of the pasta water just in case your sauce needs beefing up, about a cup.

Heat a tbsp of olive oil in a large pan over high heat. Salt and pepper the chicken and cook until just cooked through, about 6 minutes. Remove to a plate and add another tbsp of olive oil as well as the butter to the pan, lowering the heat to medium-high. Add the chanterelles and cremini mushrooms and let them brown for 4 or 5 minutes, then add the garlic and onion and a bit more oil if the pan is dry and salt and pepper. Cook for a few more minutes until the onion is translucent, then add the spinach and let it wilt down for a couple more minutes. Add the chicken stock and bring the heat up a bit so it comes to a boil, then lower the heat to medium-low and let it simmer and cook down until the liquid is reduced and thickened up a bit, about 5 minutes. If it reduces too much, add a little bit of that pasta water. It’s a good trick to make your sauce a little thicker and starchier. Add the chicken and the cooked penne back into the pan, and stir it all up. Turn off the heat and add the cheese and a drizzle of truffle oil and eat the entire thing yourself if you’re me, or it can serve 2 if your baby-daddy remembered to vacuum today.

XOJBS

33 Comments Add yours

  1. Andrew says:

    Looks simple and delicious! I love how over the course of this blog’s tenure you’ve gone from “The only thing Jewel knows how to make is reservations.” to an awesome cook with great recipes to share.

    On a side note, my wife is at 32 weeks with our second kiddo, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that nobody has a clue how a pregnant women is feeling, or the right to offer their unsolicited opinion. ๐Ÿ™‚ Good luck!

  2. Chris says:

    As a man, I have new appreciation for those nine months. All my wife ever said was “This Sucks!”. If you think your having fun now, just wait for the first year.

  3. Fernando F says:

    my mother swears that I was born after 10 months so… be ready for 1 extra month.
    If after your son is born, and he squeezes your finger, let us know if all this discomfort is erase from your brain cells and you can’t wait to have another one ๐Ÿ™‚
    can’t wait to read the recipes that your son will inspire you to write about.

  4. Tom says:

    Hi Jewel,

    My name is Tom and I am in Richmond, BC.
    In the olden days when I was married we used a midwife who had delivered 1,000 little bodies to our over taxed province. Our daughter was enjoying the ideal environment and simply was not that interested in the world outside.
    The midwife had some wild tricks with fennel tea and whatnot and within a few days Jada was born. It all looked like hocus pocus to me but it worked.

    I am a foodie too. I think that the Lower Mainland is foodie heaven.
    Thank you for the recipes.

    Cheers,
    Tom

  5. Leanne says:

    First babies are often overdue (sorry xx) and besides, the little bugger is worth the wait ๐Ÿ™‚ In other news I’ll be making this pasta today!

  6. b.e. says:

    damn that pasta looks good. Yes, it sounds like you’ve tried everything. I was going to suggest the pineapple. specifically eating pineapple and walking around pathmark seemed to work for us. good luck with everything!!!

  7. Joules says:

    Goddamn it, now all I can think about are Snickers.

  8. Ashton LeBleu says:

    Reverse psychology…I like it. I’m rooting for ya.

  9. Laina says:

    Hey, I’m 39 weeks this Friday, but we aren’t giving my son a choice. This will be the 3rd c-section, so I get to plan things, muahahaha! I, too, am treating my body like a garbage can, because yeah, I’ll have to start eating healthy and exercising after he’s here, psh. And by exercising, I mean chasing around my toddler girl and yelling at my two ten year old boys, fun! Anywho, this recipe looks amazeballs and maybe I can find someone to make it for me because who wants to be on their feet when the Jerk of a Sciatic Nerve is acting up and making it impossible to stand for more than five minutes at a time, right?? Best of luck to ya, keep up with the tasty recipes!

  10. Kim says:

    He’ll come when he’s ready, for sure, rest up, relax…..and eat!

  11. Angela says:

    I was born a week before my due date, and can’t remember my sister’s – I only know that Mum felt contractions on Christmas Day, but somehow decided that my sister wasn’t coming out at that point, because Mum wanted her Christmas dinner.

    You’re probably dealing with this with more grace than I would. Best of luck. ๐Ÿ™‚

  12. Mike M says:

    I’m looking forward to your take on the classic Placenta Penne with Mac ‘n Cheese

  13. Emily says:

    I remember being that pregant and the only comfortable thing once she dropped was sitting on a yoga ball. Kind of rolling my hips in circles or gentle bouncing. I tried all the tricks too with mine all to no avail as well, and she finally decided the day before my scheduled induction that she was ready. They also said judging by the ultrasound they did in triage she was right around 7lbs eff that she came out at 8lb2oz. Good luck J! I can’t wait to see him when he finally gets his eviction. Everythings shiny!

  14. Anders says:

    Full speed ahead….life in a nutshell when you think about it.

  15. Amy says:

    Tell your kid if he better get out now, otherwise his birthday may become continuously overshadowed by that Turkey day they have down south.

  16. Amelise says:

    LOL my kids got later and later. The first was 38 weeks + 4 days, second was 40 weeks + 2 days, and the third 41 weeks + 4 days! Like they each left a note on the uterine lining ‘I drove mum insane for this long, see if you can beat that!’ Who’s idea was this motherhood gig anyway?

  17. Baybridget says:

    I am three weeks behind you and miserable. I got the super fun chronic preggo heartburn. This means there are lots of things that I CANT EAT!!! I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well and thanks for posting this so I know I’m not alone in my misery ๐Ÿ˜„.

  18. Isa says:

    I just want to send you a kiss. Nothing else seems helpful. ๐Ÿ™‚

  19. Marchelle says:

    Ah, yes. I still remember the day nearly 24 years ago when I looked downward and yelled, “Get out! GET OUT GET OUT GETOUT!!!!” at the top of my lungs.

  20. Jennifer says:

    Poor Jewel! I’d rub your back happily if you wanted and wish I could make it easier. Maybe he’s not coming out because it’s still early and the remedies mainly work when the baby’s closer to being due or overdue; ah well, little buggers. It’s good you’re splurging, and feel free to do so verbally when someone says something that’s unnecessary; you don’t have to pretend to like it and now might be a good time to educate folks if you’re really at the point where there is no point in holding back. If you need any recommendations for interesting memoirs by people who have it worse, or sometimes better, but often different, say the word. Love and pampering to you, lovely girl.

  21. Amanda E says:

    Totally understand how you are feeling – I’m 39wks tomorrow and oh so very ready for little one to get this show on the road! I feel like this last “month” of pregnancy has just stretched on and on and on… If one more person makes a comment about the baby still “hanging in there” or “still not time” or general comments about my physical appearance (puffy, HUGE, miserable, etc) I might not have the restraint needed to keep from punching (or puking on) them.

  22. Lacie says:

    Please don’t say you did the castor oil. I’ve heard horror stories about women trying that trick to have a kiddo. Nope, nope, nope.
    Will have to try out some of these recipes! Wonder if I can do a crock pot version for some of them. I’m prepping for my own kiddo and stocking up on crock pot and freezer meals so I don’t have to deal with cooking. Where I live, the only places that deliver are mostly pizza-orientated.

  23. Kate says:

    Good luck. The reverse psychology thing work for me with my son. My midwife told me to get my mind off when the baby would show and told me my husband and I should take our yearly camping trip just move it up to that weekend. Well that was Tuesday and in planning our trip I gave little thought to when the baby would make his grand appearance and promptly went into labor Thursday afternoon had our sweet son just after midnight, so Friday morning.

  24. Tawny says:

    I’m also 38 weeks with a giant son, I got all the wow you huge are you sure it’s just one comments. Makes me want to respond with violence. Although if I do they could easily get away from me with a brisk walking pace.

  25. Angel M. says:

    I carried the full term, despite my fervent hope I would be like the rest of my family and drop the baby early. Not too early, just… a few weeks, maybe? The day the doctors predicted would be “Labor Day,” I was making dinner and my husband, so sweetly whispered to the baby. “Okay, Sweetheart, time to come out now.”

    My water broke almost immediately. And I never got that dinner I wanted (I was making my own handmade pesto pasta.) The trend for listening to daddy and not to mommy has continued so far, but has this been something you’ve tried?

  26. Alane says:

    hi Jewel!
    We hope you have a safe and uneventful delivery.
    He will come when he’s ready.
    A great day if he decides to cooperate is November 21! ๐Ÿ˜‰ Yes it’s my bday.
    Sounds like he’ll be a turkey or 1st of December baby though.
    MY Mom’s bday was 11/28. Another great day!
    It’ll be worth everything though!
    Good Luck!

  27. Summer B. says:

    I have 2, and they will come when they are good and ready, regardless of your plan. BUT…here ya go. http://www.laweekly.com/restaurants/maternity-greens-caioti-pizza-cafes-labor-inducing-salad-2376676

    Best of luck with the little guy. Best/worst job in the world!!

  28. Cassandra says:

    Thank you so much for so eloquently stating how much pregnancy sucks. No matter how hard I tried to express the extent of the extreme suckage, it only ever came out as incoherent grumbling… with the occasional “fuck you/off.”
    Hang in there, and good luck. You’re almost done!

  29. Manda says:

    I will never understand how anyone can like the whole pregnancy thing. I hated it so much that I hid mine for the first 8 months. Of course I was also only 16 years old at the time, scared to death and thought if I just put it out of my mind it would go away. It didn’t. But I got an extremely talented, intelligent and beautiful daughter who is currently a freshman in college out of the whole ordeal so I guess it wasn’t that bad.

  30. Spally says:

    Loving your blog and the recipes. Your ‘giant’ son will turn up when he is good and ready so enjoy taking whatever revenge you wish and enjoy all the nice food

  31. Kerim says:

    Pasta dish is simply wonderful. One thing is for certain. Your son will grow up with laughter, love and great food. What more can we ask for. love ya JBS

  32. Nicole says:

    My first was almost 2 weeks late. She’s now 13 and she still runs late for just about everything. My second was due on 12/18. The doctor induced me 2 days later so no one would have to be in the hospital over Christmas. I got to the point where I was tired of being pregnant. You can’t get comfortable and you want your body back. It’s all worth it though.

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